Category: relationships

Sex, sad sex, and rough sex…

This one gets a little graphic.

If you are going through an infidelity, and you are anything like me you have read every fucking article and blog ever written on the topic and you have surely come to the concept of hysterical bonding…

It’s this twisted thing where you cannot get enough of the person who screwed you by screwing someone else. You crave them, want them, need them. Why? To make them stay. To take ownership of them like a dog marking their territory. To prove you’re better than this other person. To feel something other than disgust and hatred for the person you love. To stop everything and finally feel like you two are the only two people in the world. Sound nice when I put it that way, doesn’t it?

And the sex has been great. She’s not shying away from all of the things we always loved doing to each other, she’s just as into as I am and in a way, it is the one time that I feel good. And there is finally a release. So I plan on taking my heightened libido and running with it.

But this desire to be the only two people in the world that matter… just doesn’t work.

It is true, I can’t keep my hands off of her. We end up in bed every time we see each other and do not hold back. The last time we were together, she told me to bend her over, pull her hair, and be rough. So I was. Rougher than I probably ever had been. I was working like I had something to prove. Like I could actually fuck the feelings and memories of this man out of her.

But no matter what I do, we are not the only two people in the world. We are not even the only two people in that bedroom.

Every time she closes her eyes or looks away, I wonder if she is thinking of him. Every time I touch her, I wonder if she liked the way he touched her more. When she does something a little different. I wonder if he taught her that. When she asks me to be rough, I wonder if that is how he fucked her. Every inch of her body I touch, I wonder if he touched her there too.

We are not the only two people in my mind—and I am sure not in hers.

Sex has always been a highlight of our relationship. To this day she says I am the only man who ever made her cum (I feel bad for that sorry man’s wife: a cheating husband who can’t even please a woman). There is just about no fantasy either of us will say no to. Our sex is passionate, exciting and constantly evolving and had only been getting better. Our sex life was something to be jealous of.

I shouldn’t compare myself to this man. I have no reason to feel like she doesn’t want me or to feel like I’m not good enough in the sack. She assures me I am incredible. She assures me that our sex was better and that it meant more.  She reminds me that she always wanted me… even during their relationship.

So why can’t I stop thinking about her with her legs wrapped around him and wondering if she liked it more?

 

My life was damn near perfect…

This is my first post, so I guess it only makes sense to start at the beginning. My name is Jay, I am 25 years old and my girlfriend had an affair—I decided to stay.

Alyssa and I have been together for just over 6 years. We have had our up and downs, but our relationship is something really beautiful. She is my best and closest friend. We have been through so much together and shared so many amazing memories. Our sex life would put most erotica to shame.  And in the past several months I would have told you my life was perfect… until she fucked everything up.

Just over a month ago I received a Message request from an unknown woman. I was at work and decided to look later. A few hours later I opened the message and my first reaction was “Is this some kind of weird spam?” The message very plainly explained how my girlfriend and her husband had been sleeping together for several months. I immediately texted Alyssa and asked if the woman’s name meant anything to her. She responded, “why do you ask that?” And that was my answer. I left work immediately and called her. After her finally saying it was true I proceeded to cry, yell, beg, and who knows what else for the next several hours.

The man was 49, married with 2 kids and a former supervisor at her internship. It started out as workplace flirting and when the internship ended it quickly became more with dirty messages and pictures before finally agreeing to meet up. They had a handful of sexual encounters over the course of a few months and slept together twice. They never met in public or “dated.” They did not end the relationship. He got caught.

She assured me that she still wanted to be with me, that this did not change her feelings for me and that she simply lost herself. And I wanted to believe her. I decided that if what she said was true, and I still loved her, our relationship, which we both can find little fault in, is worth working on.

One month in, information keeps pouring out as we both struggle to process. And last night came the biggest bombshell since receiving that first message. She loves him. She didn’t realize she had such intense feelings for him and she doesn’t want to have these feelings, but she does. She still says it does not change her feelings for me—she is not in love with him and she still does not want a future with him.. but she talked to him on the phone. He called and she answered. She is struggling to let go. She still says she is in love with me, but these other feelings make her question our relationship.

So what the fuck do I do now?

I can stay and deal with the fact that the girl I planned on spending my life with shared her body and her heart with another man. I can deal with the fact that she still loves this man; a feeling that will likely linger for quite some time. All for the glimmer of hope that she decides she wants to make this work and we can have that beautiful relationship and some version of a happy future together.

Or I can look my best friend, the love of my love, in the eye and tell her I do not want her in my life anymore—even though I do.

So I picked my poison and decided to stay.

I am making this blog just because I want to share my thoughts. Get some feelings off my chest. Maybe in the process I can show others they are not alone and to feel less alone myself—especially as a man going through this (so much online is about when “he” cheats).

So here goes everything, I guess.