“Should I stay or should I rock the Casbah?”

The worst part of being cheated on is being left with this choice. A choice I did not want to make and a choice that was not even remotely on my mind: To leave or to stay.

My partner fucked up. She took all of the risks, received all of the rewards, and now I am left to choose.

I have always said that cheating is one of the few things in life I considered unforgivable (and part of me still believes this). The issue was always black and white to me. It’s so easy to look on from the outside and know exactly what you would do. Someone cheats, you leave. If you don’t, you’re a dumbass.

Well, nice to meet you, my name is Dumbass.

The choice is not an easy one and until you are in the midst of it, you cannot possibly understand what that is like. The friends I told (and I didn’t tell many because somehow feel ashamed) say they will support me no matter what, but no matter how hard they try to hide it, they think I should leave. They don’t understand how I could even fathom forgiving this person. How you I possibly trust her again. How I could still love a person who would treat me this way. And there is a part of me that agrees because I know how unbelievably fucked up this all is. And there is a part of me that just wishes I could stop loving them.

But I can’t do it. I can’t get myself to agree that I need to leave and I feel like shit for staying: “How can I just let them get away with this?” I feel weak for not having the courage walk away, to demand what I deserve.

But I look at my girlfriend and think “I love you. I wanted a future with you and I don’t know how to throw that away.” No matter how badly I am hurt, no matter how much I may dislike her or even hate her, I still love her.

She broke my heart, disrespected me, replaced me, and now I know she loves someone else.

But she is my best friend. I love her with every fiber of my being. I just can’t throw away everything we have. Even if it ends tomorrow, next week, or in a year, I have to try.

I’m not ready to let go.

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